The Space For Loss

This year has been an ultimate challenge for everyone, and many challenges have involved something being taken away; freedoms being restricted, things and people being kept from us, walls closing in and going up, our community and connections, losing someone or something.

The last ten months has been a snowball of loss for all of us, with very little power to exert any control over the speed or direction of this snowball. Each and every one of us has felt the icy talons of loss and there is no spectrum, no measuring stick worthy of gauging how painful any experience has been to anyone.

Some of us have lost the life of a loved one, me included, and that pain can exist with the same magnitude and strength as the loss of our own identity. This can include the loss of our sense of safety, our work and livelihoods, our ability to gain comfort in the arms of another, the freedom to hike hills or attend a regular gym class, to visit a place of worship, to see your counsellor or mental health team…

Our routines help cultivate a sense of safety where we know what to expect and we can plan ahead and safeguard ourselves against danger- where we feel…

…more in control.

Alongside these losses to navigate, we are experiencing subconscious tugs. Unknown defences rooted in our attachments are bursting to the surface and altering our behaviour, often in frightening and intense ways.

• Some of us are retreating into self-harming behaviours

• Some are having angry outbursts

• Some are signing up to every online class going

• Some have reached for a dusty bottle or similar comfort

Soothing is what we as humans need and soothing is what we seek, knowingly or not.

This is ok. This is normal.

The trick is to welcome the feelings that come and listen to what they have to say. Loss is a cycle and it often loops many times before it settles in a comfortable place within you, so give your feelings space and time and try to get familiar with how you are experiencing your losses.

And remember, whatever your loss is, it’s as valid and worthy as anyone else’s.

Human connection is a place where healing and support can occur so when we are deprived of opportunities to connect with others, we often feel grief compounded. Beginning a journal or art diary to help identify feelings and express them safely is a good start. Jotting down your strengths and ideas to help you cope in the best way for you can also be helpful. Here is a link to a great interactive booklet catered for survivors.

Online groups, socially distanced face to face groups, and communities in nature are plentiful and create space for interacting and connecting with others.

So how else can we connect when we are told to stay apart? We can get creative!

Connect by electronic means but put a spin on it, host a fun online poem or writing activity and share, challenge friends or family to a game of whispers via phone call, ask a few friends to make a postcard and send to one another or plan to bind them in a commemorative book once you can be together, snail mail letters so you can look back at this time with relief!

Remember, whatever you are carrying, you do not need to carry it alone. You are not alone, and you deserve support.

For support:

Rape Crisis Scotland's helpline offers free and confidential support and information. They offer support to anyone aged 13 and over, of any gender, affected by any form of sexual violence, no matter when or how it happened. They support survivors, as well as family, friends, and supporters.

Rape Crisis Scotland's helpline can arrange for free language interpreters, including British Sign Language, to access support if your first language is not English.

Helpline: 08088 01 03 02 (6pm - midnight every night)

Text: 07537 410 027

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Image 1: Photo by elnaz asadi on Unsplash

Image 2: Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash