Journey

I would like to share my story and journey in dealing with my rape. I am doing it because I am learning not to feel ashamed of what happened to me. I am doing this in the hope to inspire someone else to speak out. I am doing this, as I want others to know that it is okay to ask for help and that you are not alone.

'I want others to know that it is okay to ask for help, and that you are not alone.'

I was raped in March 2008, I never reported it to the police or told anyone what had happened at the time. For the next 8 years, I barely spoke about it; for the most part, I actually managed to block it out, but always had the odd flashback of what happened and suffered from depression off and on. Over the last couple of years, things got worse and I suffered from bad depression, anxiety, not sleeping, nightmares and constant flashbacks. After a while, I finally plucked up the courage to go and see my GP and get some help as I realised I could not fix this myself. After seeing my GP on a regular basis, and getting some short term counselling from my GP surgery, I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).

My GP encouraged me to phone the Rape Crisis Scotland Helpline, which I did eventually! It took me weeks to find the courage to speak with them on the phone - I lost count of the number of times I sat with the phone in my hand, dialled the number, then hung up. So many things were running through my head: how could I chat to a complete stranger on the phone about something I had never discussed before? How could a stranger understand how I was feeling? I had no idea how to even start the conversation.

'It took me weeks to find the courage to speak with [the Rape Crisis Scotland Helpline] on the phone - I lost count of the number of times I sat with the phone in my hand, dialled the number, then hung up. So many things were running through my head: how could I chat to a complete stranger on the phone about something I had never discussed before?'

I somehow found the strength to make the call. I struggled to say anything at all, but the helpline worker took lead of the conversation and told me all about the work Rape Crisis do, and how it was completely normal to feel like this. I ended up being on the phone with them for over an hour, they were so supportive and listened as I explained the issues I had been having, and they put me in contact with the Edinburgh Rape Crisis Centre.

I had an initial face to face appointment with the Edinburgh Rape Crisis Centre to see how they could help me, and was offered long term support sessions. Finally, I reached the top of the waiting list and was eager to start on my healing. However, I was also filled with dread at the thought of talking about it and reliving it all again after burying it for so long.

On my first appointment, to say I was nervous would be an understatement! I met my support worker who immediately made me felt at ease, she was so warm and compassionate. We discussed the issues I was currently facing and what I wanted to get out of the sessions. It took me a few weeks, but I started to open up and I shared my story for the first time.

'My support worker immediately made me felt at ease, she was so warm and compassionate. We discussed the issues I was currently facing and what I wanted to get out of the sessions. It took me a few weeks, but I started to open up and I shared my story for the first time.'

Saying it all out loud was the hardest thing I have ever done, but my support worker was so patient. My biggest fear was being judged and not being believed, but I definitely had nothing to worry about as she was so understanding; not once did I ever feel judged, and she actually validated all my feelings. For the first time I felt like I was not alone.

Although I decided to tell my story, I never felt under pressure to do so, and if I did not want to talk about it that was fine, too. Over the weeks with my support worker’s encouragement and belief in me, I started to feel stronger and slowly take back control so I can continue to heal. She has given me hope that I can move on from this and live a fulfilling life.

Day by day things start getting a little easier, and most days I have to make a conscious effort to work on my self-care (which I have never been very good at!). I now try to make sure that each day I take at least 10 minutes to do something I enjoy; whether it is writing in my journal, reading a book, binge watching my way through a box set, or even just lighting my favourite candle or painting my nails. It took me a long time to realise the importance of self-care, but it is such an essential part of the healing process.

'I started to feel stronger and slowly take back control so I can continue to heal. [My support worker] has given me hope that I can move on from this and live a fulfilling life.'

It is not always easy to find the strength to keep going through the tough days, but my support worker’s words of encouragement - reminding me of how strong I am, and how much progress I have made through my journey - always come to mind. I always remember telling her that I felt so broken, and she told me a quote that she had once read about a broken Japanese vase: ‘when the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandise the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.’ I no longer feel broken.

'I have experienced nothing but kindness, compassion and support, which in turn has helped me grow'

From the moment I picked up the phone, to my last support session, and even working with them in sharing my journey now, I have experienced nothing but kindness, compassion and support, which in turn has helped me grow as a person. I will be forever grateful.

Edinburgh Rape Crisis Centre would like to thank Amanda for sharing her journey. For support following sexual violence you can contact the Rape Crisis Scotland helpline is open Freephone 6pm - midnight, on 08088 01 03 02, or if you are deaf or hard of hearing on minicom number 0141 353 3091. You can also email ERCC directly on support@ercc.scot, or visit our Contact Us page for information on how to make an appointment.